There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
