420 ftw
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
