your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
