I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
