she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
