Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
