She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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