he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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