I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Randomize
