the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
