you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
