I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Holy shit dude........stairs
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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