I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
