he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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