you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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