before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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