I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
