just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
