this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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