help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
