First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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