If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
