It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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