I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
