he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
