just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
