I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
