I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
