Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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