Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
