Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
