im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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