These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
