You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
