i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
