last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
