I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
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It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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