People with herpes should wear stickers.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
