I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
