Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
