dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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