At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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