I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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