obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
