I wanna passion pit in your ass
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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