Everything about him screamed your future.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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