How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
