NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
