I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
