I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
