the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
