Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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