How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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