What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
