is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
