No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
