Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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