In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
