Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
