it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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