I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
