I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
